Self-struggle

This morning I woke up and suffered from what I can only describe as brain freeze. Everything was hazy, my vision was blurry and I just could not shake it. I even had a dream about having a dream! I don't remember what I dreamt, only that I dreamt that I was having a dream and I then woke up from the dream wide awake, only to then wake up for real feeling quite the opposite. I drove to work in a semi-conscious state. So much for a recuperating weekend, it's not good if I feel worse then what I did on Friday.

I might have told this story before, but I'm going to bore you with it again. At university, first year, first term, I would typically sleep at 3-4am and wake up for 9am lectures no problem. Gradually this began to wear me down, so I decided to make a change: skip lectures to get my sleep. In fact over 5 years of medical school, not once did I go to bed before midnight. Over the next 5 years, whenever I had to wake up for 9am lectures, I still didn't sleep early. We used to joke that it was all about "the thrill of feeling tired." Trust me, it is no longer a thrill, but quite the opposite, especially as it is so frequent. While I'm talking about university, another interesting tidbit for you. After spending 5 years skipping lectures, it was quite ironic that I spent over £500 in my final year to attend revision lectures before my final exams, lectures I probably would not have needed had I attended the free lectures in the first place.

Despite feeling so whoozy and tired, I will struggle on with today's topic and appropriately it is all about self-struggle (jihad-al-nafs), the struggle against oneself. The human soul is constantly involved in a self struggle between two competing powers. One power attracts towards God and inspires acts of goodness, the other power leads towards the devil and tempts acts of darkness and wrong-doing. Which power wins in this struggle determines our character and actions and hence our reward (or lack thereof) from God.

This self-struggle is the struggle against evil ideas, desires and powers of lust, anger and fantasy. The struggle is to place these thoughts under God's command and reason, attempting to purge all satanic ideas and influences from one's soul. It has been defined as the major struggle - the major jihad. Unlike the jihad which requires us to physically fight against the oppressors of Islam (only as self-defence), this self-struggle is a constant war in ourselves. Fighting our inappropriate or incorrect desires and thoughts and striving to improve ourselves in the eyes of God.

God talks about this struggle in the Quran: "And the soul and Him Who made it perfect. Then He inspired it to understand what is right and wrong for it. He will indeed be successful who purifies it. And he will indeed fail who corrupts it." (Surah 91, Verses 7-10) Everything we do is a direct influence from our souls and subsequently has a direct influence upon it. Our thoughts lead us to our actions and our actions lead back to our thoughts and so on. Controlling these thoughts to do what is blessed or allowed, helps to ensure that our soul remains healthy. Having thoughts that lead to the wrong actions do the opposite, they ensure that our soul remains dark and ill.

From my research of this topic, I came across a good method of how to explore our self-struggle and how to develop it to make our souls better:

Step 1: Reflection
Try to spend some time every day reflecting on what we do. The aim of this life and purpose of all God's blessing is far more important than to follow mundane desires and evil tendencies that are short lived and temporary. Having the blessings of God at the forefront of our minds can only help us in our thoughts and actions. By reflection, we can identify what we are doing right and what we are doing wrong. Identify our weaknesses and then decide how best to overcome them.

Step 2: Will and resolve
Reflection leads directly to will and resolve. Laying the foundations for our actions. Having the determination to make a change, to adapt our thoughts and ensure our actions are appropriate. A good starting point is simply by ensuring we perform our wajab acts. Those acts commanded by God, no questions asked. They are wajab and hence must be pursued and followed. By doing so, we have automatically improved our soul and received God's blessings. From this, inshallah, we can lead on to better deeds, stemming from our determination to improve. "You shall believe in Allah and His Messenger, and struggle hard in Allah's way with your property and your lives; that is better for you, did you but know! He will forgive you your faults and cause you to enter into gardens, beneath which rivers flow, and goodly dwellings in gardens of perpetuity; that is the mighty achievement. (Surah 61, Verses 11-12)

Step 3: Self-evaluation
Obviously being a struggle, by its very nature, means there will be times we make mistakes or do the wrong thing. We are by no means perfect and hence we have God's forgiveness and mercy. Making time to look at ourselves and seeking improvement can only be a good thing. Having made the change from step 2, self-evaluation is crucial in making sure we don't fall back into bad-habits and if we do to ensure that we seek God's forgiveness and strive to be better and inshallah slowly reduce our mistakes. It is also a time to evaluate what we are doing right and ensure that it remains. "Those who repent and amend and make manifest (the truth), these it is to whom I turn (mercifully); and I am the Oft-returning (to mercy), the Merciful." (Surah 2, Verse 160)

Step 4: Self-conditioning
This process involves turning our thoughts into actions. By struggling to make a change in our thoughts, directly has a benefit upon our actions. It is the conscious effort to make a change - to avoid our bad-habits and to re-enforce our good ones. It is a small-step process. Make a conscious decision to change our aspect or ourselves - either stop a bad thought/action/habit, or start a new good one and resolve to continue that for as long as possible. "The believers are only those who believe in Allah and His Messenger then they doubt not and struggle hard with their wealth and their lives in the way of Allah; they are the truthful ones." (Surah 49, Verse 15)

Step 5: Guarding against evil
Throughout our life, Shaitan will manifest in several ways to distract us from our struggle, to tempt us into bad habits and thoughts. Having this realisation, this awareness, can lead us to improve in this self-struggle. Recognising when things are going awry and then struggling to make a change will mean we continue to receive God's blessings. Think twice before we do something that is questionable, God will always recognise when we struggle to improve, even when mistakes or slip-ups occur. Keeping his commands in our thoughts and following this process on a daily basis with all our thoughts and actions can ensure that we improve and continue to do so.

Step 6: Remembrance
All of the above can only be achieved by thinking about God. We must thank him for his help and mercy during each step. As we improve, our gratitude towards God will naturally increase as we attain higher levels of struggle. Due to God's help, we can get rid of Shaitan's influence on us.

In summary, first identify what we are doing (right and wrong), then resolve to make a change. Start with easy steps, do the wajab acts. Constantly evaluate ourselves to make sure we are sticking to the struggle of self-improvement. Ensure that our actions are appropriate to our thoughts and remember God when we make mistakes. Remember that Shaitan will try to tempt us, trick us and be able to recognise when that is happening. All of this is only achievable by remembering God and his infinite mercy that he bestows on us. We can rest safe in the knowledge that he will always help us if we help ourselves in this struggle.

Hopefully these steps are something we should strive to do everyday. Similar to my discussion about patience last week, it is the constant struggle to improve ourselves that determines our reward from God. Having this struggle to improve and actually overcoming the obstacles that come in our way ensure that we receive God's blessing in this life and the hereafter. I hope all this makes sense, as my brain is still very hazy. Please leave any of your thoughts about this topic and what you do perhaps in your own self-struggle.

Take care all,
Thoughts just flow, when do they have to make sense?