Family politics

This is getting difficult. I've been researching todays topic for some time now and just getting bogged down with information. I've been thinking about what to write and it just keeps getting bigger and bigger and my headache gets worse and worse! I still haven't adjusted to fasting. Every morning I get up at approximately 4.30am to eat some food before dawn and then I can't get back to sleep and have to get up at 7.00am. Needless to say I am suffering from a severe lack of sleep and I don't know whether I'll be able to complete today's topic. Thinking about this topic, it might prove to be quite controversial - I'll give it a go, maybe I'll need to split it into two parts, let's see!

No faffing about today, straight into the topic! In Islam there is a convention called "Amr-bil-Maroof wa Nahi-anil-Munkar (AMWNM)" which translates too "enjoining the good and forbidding evil." The Quran states "You are the best of peoples, evolved for mankind, enjoining what is right, forbidding what is wrong, and believing in Allah." (Quran Surah 3, Verse 110 [scroll down]). On a day-to-day basis we are engulfed with information telling us what to do and what to avoid. In essence, Islam seizes on this very concept and guides society by recommending good acts and forbidding wrong acts. It gives society a purpose.

Doing AMWNM is seen as an attribute of a true muslim, whereas the opposite could be seen as a quality of the non-believers. The Quran states "The believers, men and women, are protectors of each other: they enjoin what is right and forbid what is evil." (Quran Surah 9, Verse 71) and also "The hypocrites, both men and women, proceed one from another. They enjoin the wrong and forbid the right." (Quran Surah 9 Verse 67) I think the God explains it fairly clearly. To engage in AMWNM is a a duty on all muslims and the opposite brings punishment.

Being fallible, means that we will make mistakes. Practising AMWNM ensures that any mistake or wrong act commited by a muslim will not then be forced onto others, and similarly any good action that is not performed does not lead to muslims preventing others from doing the same act. It all sounds fairly straightforward. You personal sins and good deeds should not prevent you from engaging in AMWNM in the correct manner. Ayatullah Sistani offers further guidance by stating "you should enjoin the good and forbid the evil by applying the first two methods: that is, expressing your displeasure at the situation, and then speaking about it. If these two methods do not work, then apply the third method... ...adopting practical [or physical] measures moving from softer to harsher ones. If that person is ignorant of the religious rules, it is your duty to teach them, if they have the intention of learning and acting accordingly." (Ayatullah Sistani's website: select "Interaction in Social Life">"General Rules" and scroll down). However, given all this information and advice, I find that it is not as simple as it appears.

Practiacally, it sounds easy. All the good deeds I don't do, I shouldn't prevent others from doing so and any mistakes I make, I should make sure I don't help others do similar mistakes. Similarly, if anyone is doing wrong deeds, I should help them by stopping the wrong deeds and helping promoting the good deeds instead - AMWNM. The first part is easy, I don't try to promote any wrong ideals and make sure I don't prevent others from doing good acts. The second part is much harder!

In my family, there are a fair few issues and AMWNM is almost impossible. In order to elaborate further, I must also explain an additional part of AMWNM; it should start at home, i.e. with yourself. Every muslim must ensure that they engage in AMWNM on themselves. I must make sure that I cut down on my bad deeds and try and do more and more good deeds. Obviously I make mistakes and practicing AMWNM on myself is not always successful, just ask my wife!

However, the concept of AMWNM is also targetted at the larger community, the family, extended family, muslim community, muslim society at large. The idea being it should transmit through out the population. Each person should be invloved in AMWNM within their own family so that it can spread across society. This is extremely difficult in my family.

There are mulitple problems, mulitple issues. Whenever anyone tries to confront these issues, everyone and their dog goes on the defensive. No-one in my family can tolerate any criticism. I know that mulitple techniques have been tried, but whenever there is a hint of some criticism, people pull their guards up and mount a counter-arguement, counter-criticism (often completely unrelated) and the whole point of the discussion is lost. The moment people suggest that there is a problem that needs sorting, the accused just respond with their own criticisms, missing the point entirely.

I must admit that in the past I have been pretty poor with my family. I haven't really interacted, communicated or got involved. Kept myself to myself. Whenever I've tried advising my siblings, no matter what techniques I've tried, often the only response I get is that I'm rubbish with interacting with the family, I'm not perfect, I don't understand the situation etc, etc. Similarly, when my parents attempt to deal with rather serious issues , all they face is criticism of themselves and us (i.e. me and my siblings) and nothing ever gets sorted out.

Flipping it around, when I face criticism from people, it boils down to respect. If I respect the person, I listen to what they have to say. What I try to avoid is criticising them back and going on the defensive. Admittedly this was not always the case, but I've tried harder and harder to make sure I don't just reply with a load of criticism about them. If it's related to the discussion then I bring it in, but with a view of helping each other. I am no saint, and the person I respect the most, my wife, is always on my case in an attempt to better myself. She might not agree, but I always try to take her views on board and in most cases try to improve myself. The changes that result from this are down to her, and the changes that don't happen, I either don't agree with (and we have further discussions!) or I'm too stubborn to change! Needless to say, I am a working progress.

As a result of this, I find myself interacting less and less with those family members who won't take any advice on board. I just don't respect them. They haven't showed any inclination to change things for the better. This all makes me sound extremely judgemental, but I just find it difficult to interact with these people. I can't ignore it. My wife constantly goes on about how I should at least be civil and interact with them. I should ignore that side of them and carry on as normal, as if nothing is wrong. But I just can't bring myself to do so. This creates further problems. People (namely uncles and aunts) are constantly on my case and accusing me of being a social recluse! I keep my mouth shut, because if they found out what I know and why I am the way I am, it would create even more problems. I can't even begin to engage in AMWNM because of the tensions that it would cause.

So where does this leave me. Maybe I should start by following my wife's advice and being civil and engaging in conversation with everyone. Maybe it is a respect issue, these people don't respect me and hence won't listen to me. I don't entirely believe that, because the people they should respect, can't even change them, so what chance do I have, if and when they begin to respect me?

The policy of AMWNM is practically impossible. People don't like to hear bad things about themselves to the point where all they can do is reply with bad things about others, turning it into a vicious circle. Instead, maybe I should look at the positive and focus on that, talk about people's good points, but sometimes they are hard to find! I really don't know where to go from here. Am I being too stubborn? Should I just ignore all the issues and at least interact with everyone and see where it goes - do I even have the patience for that? The act of AMWNM is much harder than it appears. It feels like you have to be faultless yourself to have any chance of having an impression on others. So where do I go from here?

Managed to finish the topic in one go! Not bad! Even my headache isn't too bad!
Take care all,

Thoughts just flow, when do they have to make sense?

PS For better, perhaps more practical advice, check out Food for thought: AMWNM